United: The Leggining (Movie Pitch Monthly)

From time to time I may see a news story and write a half-baked movie pitch based around that news story. This is one of those times.

Cover up you naughty airplane!

Blumhouse: Ok, so we need to create a new, and terrifying horror IP to go along with Insidious, Sinister, Paranormal Activity, Ouija, The Purge…

Writer: (interrupting) Yeah…those are all, uh… great, but I have a harrowing, new take on the horror genre in the same vein as “Get Out.” It’s a psychological thriller.

Blumhouse: Really! Let’s hear it! If it’s anything like “Get Out,” we’ll be rich…again!

Writer: Ok, so we follow a family that’s rushing through an airport to make a plane to Honolulu. The father, with his fanny pack, way-too-short cargo shorts, and almost knee high socks, weaves through his people while checking his phone for work emails. His two pre-teen daughters dressed casually in leggings and sweaters are glued to their phones, with headphones cancelling out all outside noise.

Suburban Dad Starter Kit

Blumhouse: Riveting!

Writer: Sure. (rolls eyes) The group arrives at the gate and the father breathlessly approaches the ticket agent. He shows her the boarding passes and starts towards the corridor, but realizes his two girls aren’t at his side anymore. Then he turns and sees…

Blumhouse: That they’ve been possessed by demons!

Writer: What?

Blumhouse: Yeah that’d be a great twist!

Writer: No.

Blumhouse: Eaten by zombies?

Writer: No.

Blumhouse: Haunted by ghosts?

Writer: God no. They’ve been stopped by the ticket agent and are being surrounded by TSA agents. The father sprints back to find out what is happening, but the hallway keeps getting longer and longer. As he advances up the corridor, the father can hear voices ghostly whispering: “Leggings aren’t appropriate air travel attire.”

Blumhouse: So is the father imagining this or is this actually happening?

Writer: We don’t exactly know for most of the movie. The father finally reaches the desk, but is now surrounded by TSA, who are interrogating his daughters about their leggings. The father screams at the agents to get away from his daughter, but to no avail as his girls disappear behind a wall of TSA uniforms. When the wall subsides, the man is horrified to see his daughters wearing colonial settler attire. The desk agent reappears and tells the father that his daughters cannot board with him because they were wearing inappropriate attire. The father then gazes down at his extra-short-shorts and half open Hawaiian button-down shirt and exclaims: “What the hell are you talking about? I’m dressed worse than them!”

Blumhouse: This sounds like a bad trip.

Writer: Just you wait. Then the dad shuts his eyes, when he opens them, everything he sees is white. He adjusts his glasses and reagins his full vision to find that he is in a white-walled sanitarium. He looks down to see himself wearing black leggings and a straight-jacket made of spandex. He turns around slowly to see a sign in neon pink and purple that says: “Forever 21.”

Blumhouse: What does it mean?!

Writer: Beats me.

Blumhouse: I absolutely, positively, completely…LOVE IT!

Writer: WHAT?!

Blumhouse: I’ll get Lars Von Trier to direct and you’ll have a $80 million dollar budget! I want casting to start next week and filming to start in three weeks.

Writer: It was a joke, you complete moron!

Blumhouse: (Already halfway out the door) We’re gonna be rich, my friend!

Writer: (Door closes in the background, the writer closes his eyes and puts his head in his hands) Dear God, why do I do this?

The writer opens his eyes to find he is in a blindingly white room. He looks down slowly and sees a black spandex pair of leggings with a bedazzled, pink message across the legs that reads: I loved the pitch, man! Get working on the next one and I may let you out!


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